a quick explaination for my absense

[chaos]

some of you know what happened, others have heard parts of the story. this is short and to the point, and i'll start with an appology to all of you, for being gone long after i was physically OK.

the bottom line is that, despite the fact that i presented no serious back pain, it looks like i passed a stone that was a little too large to pass. it did a lot of dammage on the way out, and until 3 weeks ago i was not sure that i would ever function as a man again..........

take a moment to wrap your minds around that. sorry ladies, you have no chance in hell of understanding what i'm talking about.

i went through 4 major pain events in december, all centered in my penis and testes. the first three that i took like a man were bad, and were all the stone trying to pass into the .....whatever you call it. then the fourth event was the passage of the stone. pain 10000s of times beyond my wildest immagination, and at that moment i was 100% possitive that i was going to die right then and there. every concious thought from that point....one in the ambulance, one in the ER, and a few in the room, was that i couldn't believe i was still alive. after the hospital, my docs had me doped up for at least 2 months, and i mean DOPED THE FUCK UP.

physically( other than the penis and testes) i''ve been OK for a couple of months, demanded that my doc get me off of the dilaudid, and was sure that i would be getting better daily. i came here and promised that i was back. i deeply regret not keeping my word, it goes against everything that i'm about.

i didn't realize how baddly fucked up i was in the head, i was sure i was going to die, and then sure i would never be a man again. i burried myself in trivial shit to keep my mind off of the nightmare i was living, recently i discovered, that despite some discomfort, that i can, in fact, get my groove on.......so now , physically, i'm 90%, and the mental healing is really starting to move, my head is better every day. still on pain meds, but no narcotics. this whole thing has completely fuck up my marriage, and my relationship with my daughter, so in still have a lot of fences to mend. i have not been myself, acting like a fucking tweaker, anything to get my mind off of my situation, and it has cost me dearly. only now am i developing a clear picture of what my mental state has been, and it is not pretty.

most men live their whole lives to please the penis, how do you change at 46? how would you alter the very core of yourself? it is the greatest mind fuck possible for a man, and i almost didn't survive it.

i feel like i have let all of you down, and that may be the worst feeling of all.

my emails are the same, anybody that needs it/them feel free to ask. i have a lot of catching up to do, and a lot of guilt to battle.

i'm not trying to get any sympathy, not bitching or whining. just wanted everyone to get a little taste of what i've been dealing with, and why i haven't been around much.

love and respect to you all

c

[monkeybizniz]

bro, it's just good to see you're pullin' through something like this; the physical, which sounds like a bitch and now all the rest, which seems even shittier. it's good to hear you're doin' alright, and it's good to have you back.

mb

[hunter7]

Good to see you back bro! We have been in good hands with Bass, but have missed you bein here. Ever once in a while I see that you have posted some feeds and think, hey he's still around. Although I had no idea what you were going through. Cant even fathom what you must be going through. I hope the family life is getting better too! Thats very important! Good to see you and dont worry. We are all still here. You have let no one down!!!!!!!

[Realize]

Good to see you back...dont worry about us, we'll be here whenever you're ready to come back. Worry about yourself and your family at home first. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

[basskiller]

Don't feel guilty at all.. thats a hell of an ordeal to have to go through.. You just keep getting your mind and body in good shape and take it one day at a time..

[PA-Muscle]

Good to see your still here and good to be back my damed self...:-) Serious lifters always come full circle...

Peace Out!

[Thinkbig]

Hell Bro, Its Just Good To See You.

I Can Empathize With Your Going Through Some Personal Issues, Though I Have No Idea How Horrible Your Particular Situatuation Must Have Been, I'm Glad Your Here, And Didn't Do Anything Stupid.

No Need To Apologize, Or Explain.

Wb Brother!

[Sean]

Great to to see you around again C, keep your chin up, everything will work out...

[over55]

Good to see you brother, that's a hell of an ordeal to go through, I wish you well and will pray for your recovery !!!

[upondeez]

Stay strong bro! Good to see you are alive and kicking!

[krzna]

u have'nt let no one down - health and family always first and you know we are here. Don't apologize for anything bro we are your family and we are with you.

[~R~F~G~]

We're cool Chaos... You have not let anyone here down.... Mend the fences at home first.. We'll be here... Glad to hear your dick works.. Damn! I cannot imagine... That is a mind fuck....

[beck26]

damn sorry to hear that bro. glad your doing good and always take care of yourself first man.

[aragorn1500]

I, for one, am glad to have you here.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who feels that your family is of the utmost importance, and that if your time on the board interferes with the healing process, then by all means be with your loved ones.

Welcome back.

[thunder]

Welcome back boss. Family first boss, I know what mama & the little one mean to ya.