[chaos]

well, directly after i wrote my explaination to everyone, imlost a 2 month battle with a brand new computer, that arrerently was sold with a bad C drive that onboard diagnostics wouldn't catch. a third patry diagnostic disc fsailed it 10n straight runs. i fully recovered the fucking for the third time in two months, loaded almost nothing on it, ran chkdsk a dozen times and FAIL, FAIL, FAIL. so in finally did what i shoulkd have neen smart enough to do after a week, took it back. i've gone from computer idiot, to just computer handicapped..lol

anyway right after that my wife and i nsplit..purely because dramsa caused by my 22yr old daughter. spent 3 weeks in a motel with shit internet. did some research and found that an N wireless adapter could help, so in put out the100 bucks...and two days later i'm back home 5 feet from my router. aaaagod has a strange sense of humor, but i really do think this disasterous chapter of my life is quickly comming to a close. it ain't even close to perfect, but i have HOPE for the first time in months. if ever there was a time that i would bitch out and eat a .45, it woulkd have been in the last two months.

anyway boys and girls, i know you've heard this before, and please believe when i say something i mean it, life was just beating me down. everytime it looked better, BAM, s0omething even worse happened.

i'm home, rebuilding my office and ready to serve you. that's the way i see it. it is my job to take care of you, and i surely have sucked at that for six months. it breaks my fucking heart. i keep my word at all cost, even after i realize that it could hurt me. in feel that i've let everyone down, especially myself.

i know the whole thing is tough to get your mind around, i'm not 100% sure that i have, but i think i have a pretty clear picture, and it gets clearer daily, which isn't always good. my family turned there backs on me when i needed them most, because " i was acting weird......

you're a guy, pain beyond all immagination in tour cock amd balls, convinced you're about to die...not wondering, 100% sure tthat nobody could live through that kind of pain and then spend 4 months wondering, doubting whether you'd ever function as a man again.

and it's some kind of a supprise that i was acting like a nut??? i'm fortunate i didn't have a complete breakdown. might not have been too far off.

anyway i'll get to the last thread to respond, but now i'm on a mission to get this machine rebuilt and ready for anything.

i'll gert to the PMs, but if it's been a while and still important PLEASE write it again. i see 2 month old PMs, i assume thst i'm on asshole status and you've given up on me.

love and respect for each and every one of you.

c