[chaos]

some of you know what happened, others have heard parts of the story. this is short and to the point, and i'll start with an appology to all of you, for being gone long after i was physically OK.

the bottom line is that, despite the fact that i presented no serious back pain, it looks like i passed a stone that was a little too large to pass. it did a lot of dammage on the way out, and until 3 weeks ago i was not sure that i would ever function as a man again..........

take a moment to wrap your minds around that. sorry ladies, you have no chance in hell of understanding what i'm talking about.

i went through 4 major pain events in december, all centered in my penis and testes. the first three that i took like a man were bad, and were all the stone trying to pass into the .....whatever you call it. then the fourth event was the passage of the stone. pain 10000s of times beyond my wildest immagination, and at that moment i was 100% possitive that i was going to die right then and there. every concious thought from that point....one in the ambulance, one in the ER, and a few in the room, was that i couldn't believe i was still alive. after the hospital, my docs had me doped up for at least 2 months, and i mean DOPED THE FUCK UP.

physically( other than the penis and testes) i''ve been OK for a couple of months, demanded that my doc get me off of the dilaudid, and was sure that i would be getting better daily. i came here and promised that i was back. i deeply regret not keeping my word, it goes against everything that i'm about.

i didn't realize how baddly fucked up i was in the head, i was sure i was going to die, and then sure i would never be a man again. i burried myself in trivial shit to keep my mind off of the nightmare i was living, recently i discovered, that despite some discomfort, that i can, in fact, get my groove on.......so now , physically, i'm 90%, and the mental healing is really starting to move, my head is better every day. still on pain meds, but no narcotics. this whole thing has completely fuck up my marriage, and my relationship with my daughter, so in still have a lot of fences to mend. i have not been myself, acting like a fucking tweaker, anything to get my mind off of my situation, and it has cost me dearly. only now am i developing a clear picture of what my mental state has been, and it is not pretty.

most men live their whole lives to please the penis, how do you change at 46? how would you alter the very core of yourself? it is the greatest mind fuck possible for a man, and i almost didn't survive it.

i feel like i have let all of you down, and that may be the worst feeling of all.

my emails are the same, anybody that needs it/them feel free to ask. i have a lot of catching up to do, and a lot of guilt to battle.

i'm not trying to get any sympathy, not bitching or whining. just wanted everyone to get a little taste of what i've been dealing with, and why i haven't been around much.

love and respect to you all

c